WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.
In Omaha, Nebraska, an innovative company has decided to pay its young adult workers what they truly deserve. Leading the charge as a progressive powerhouse, Tal-Mart has decided to start paying its Chinese workers over 1 dollar per day.
“Truly, they are going to a place where no company has dared venture before,” a spokesperson for the benevolent corporation declared.
Last year, Tal-Mart outsourced over 5,000,000 employees to China, where the workers are incredibly committed to providing the lowest rock-bottom prices to spoiled upper middle class American shoppers.
“They have really enriched this town,” said a government official of Omaha on Tal-Mart’s new commitment, continuing with, “Tal-Mart has driven every American owned business to bankruptcy, providing exactly the kind of urban development we were looking for.”
An impressed Republican congressman even commented, “I promised my voters I would increase the salaries of the filthy rich and totally ignore their interests. Tal-Mart has gone above and beyond the call of duty to help me make that happen. Now, my re-election is all but 100% guaranteed.”
Other congress members could not be reached for comment as they are currently drafting a bill that allows American lawmakers to be elected directly from China. The US Government’s ambitious job creation program there has been a major success.
A progressive student group consisting of college students whose student loan debt exceeds $50,000 even weighed in on the matter, “Nothing brings us together quite like the promise of absolutely no jobs whenever we graduate.”
A middle-aged guy living under a bridge spoke on Tal-Mart’s bold move with, “We voted for change in Nebraska and that is exactly what we got. Matter of fact, I held up a sign on the side of the road downtown yesterday and I got so much change it was hard to count. I almost bought a soda with it.”
The question we must all ask ourselves is this: Will other companies follow suit and ship all their jobs to China, too? Irresistible prices have always been more valued than not being in abject poverty. I mean, it’s 2017 for God’s sake, so who wouldn’t sacrifice everything for some slightly lower prices on women’s v-necks?
Tal-mart’s heroic move has even brought some new infrastructure to town! Omaha has now a giant counter built onto the top of City Hall which keeps track of the exact number of dead child laborers in China who have given their lives to this cause.
A trans-formative tech company has followed in the footsteps of City Hall by mounting a counter of all the newly unemployed freeloaders in the metropolitan area on top of their building.
Some say Tal-Mart’s move “hurts American jobs,” but all of those people have been promptly thrown into prison and given 100 hours of smug lectures on the benefits of free market capitalism from rich CEOs in suits.
Since the writing of this article, we have received reports that Tal-Mart’s profits are at an all time low in the US since nobody has a job anymore and therefore they can no longer shop anywhere. The soup kitchen lines have since grown so long that they now extend all the way into Kansas. However, no one will be getting fed until the food arrives from Beijing.
“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.