Satire

Ann Coulter Gets Raped By a Pack of LGBTQ-XYZ Students

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

Ann Coulter recently planned a visit to UC-Berkeley, the most progressive and welcoming university in America. Unfortunately, everybody who disagrees with Berkeley students’ politics are automatically Nazis.

Very tolerant Berkeley students told us, “We hate Ann Coulter. She’s totally Hitler!”

Antifa, also called Anti-Fascists, teamed up with very tolerant Berkeley students to shut down fascism, real or imagined. WAIT!! We’re now getting reports that Berkeley students are refusing to take their meds. Things could get out of hand very quickly!

An Antifa leader explained their core message to us: “We shut down all speech we dislike by kicking and screaming like three year olds. Our core values are tolerance, diversity, and hypocrisy.”

When Ann Coulter stepped up to the podium to express her totally incorrect non-PC super Nazi ideas, a pack of marginalized LGBTQ-XYZ students invaded the stage, threw her to the ground, and raped her until she admitted the truth. After the sexual assault, Coulter finally confessed: “It’s true… I am Hitler himself.”

Suddenly, all Antifa members and Berkeley students went completely silent, realizing the seriousness of what just happened.

“Ann Coulter is transgendered! If she’s Hitler, that means she’s on hormone therapy, female-to-male, and we must embrace her in the name of diversity!” shouted a very tolerant Berkeley rapist.

As Ann Coulter lied on the ground, in shock from getting gang raped by Antifa, very tolerant Berkeley students escorted her to the most sacred, holy grounds of the campus: the SAFE SPACE.

“We asked Ann Coulter questions about how marginalized she must feel being female-to-male transforming into Hitler. Then, we plastered images of Coulter all over campus to remove all shame we had of getting her, or… I mean his pronoun wrong,” an Antifa member recalled, “Normally, we don’t rape Nazis. We just throw Molitov cocktails and call it a night.”

When she believed all the Berkeley students and Antifa members were asleep, Ann Coulter sneaked out of the safe space and tried to escape campus, but the President of Berkeley was holding an AK-47 and stopped her at gunpoint.

In a deep southern accent, the President of UC-Berkeley told Ann, “In order to leave this campus, you’re gonna have to check your goddamn privilege. You’re the worst kind of person… you’re… a WHITE PERSON!!”

The research department of Berkeley had invented a breakthrough device that can directly measure a person’s privilege. The President scanned Ann Coulter and the device beeped heavily.

“Your privilege… it’s….” the President was totally stunned by the results, “IT’S OVER 9,000!!!”

“Let me check!!” Ann Coulter replied, walking over to look at her privilege-o-meter. In complete dismay, Ann ordered, “BACK AWAY, PRESIDENT!!”

The ground began to shake as her privilege level continued to increase. Shockwaves of Ann’s privilege echoed throughout the college.

“I… I can’t believe it!!” the President of UC-Berkeley screamed before Ann’s privilege shockwave blasted him through the entrance wall of the campus.

Ann’s hair began to stick straight up into the air. “THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!!!”

“Ugh… she’s so privileged she’s gone… Super Nazi…” the President of UC-Berkeley coughed blood onto his chest. Before taking his final breath, he said, “Her privilege level is out of this world.” After he died, the privilege-o-meter shattered, unable to calculate the seemingly impossible privilege level of Ann Coulter.

Finally, Ann walked out of campus, in Super Nazi form, with a privilege level thought previously impossible. The science and engineering students of UC-Berkeley marveled at the fact somebody had finally gone Super Nazi, setting multiple world privilege records.

“She’s so… I mean, he… I forgot she’s female-to-male. Ann Hitler. Social justice has prevailed. She… I mean, he… checked his privilege and went Super Nazi. We couldn’t stop him,” a very tolerant Berkeley rapist scientist marveled.

The aftermath was terrible. Mysterious disappearances of left wing students began to devastate the campus. Autopsies on the bodies confirmed that at least 50 students of UC-Berkeley were virtue signaling so hard they disappeared up their own asses.

Nobody at UC-Berkeley could ever forget Milo and Ann, especially Ann Hitler, female-to-male, who went Super Nazi and broke the privilege-o-meter. They knew in their hearts that both Milo and Ann were the worst type of people. They were… white people!

Antifa members kicked and screamed so hard they burst blood vessels and had to be promptly escorted to the campus hospital by paramedics. Some of them died for their cause after retreating to their safe space instead of the hospital.

The other Antifa members were not so lucky. Reports are telling us they died of unprecedented hypocrisy levels. Their smug levels were so high it was impossible to save them. Antifa did not win the battle, but they intended to win the war…

“Check your… ugh… privilege… and self-righteously protect… the marginalized and disadvantaged… mostly trannies and gays, as long as they agree with all of our ideas… ugh…” the last Antifa member choked on her own blood and passed away from smug poisoning.

“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.

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