Satire

Donald Trump Gets Russian Anal Probe

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

During his super important visit to NATO, the G7 thingamajig, sources tell us President Trump was briefly kidnapped by a UFO. Reports say the UFO was actually a Russian spaceship populated by aliens. Now remember, this is coming from anonymous sources, the only sources left in journalism now that it’s 2017.

A super duper secret CIA agent dude explained, “The leader of the free world has been kidnapped by a Russian UFO. Luckily, we were able to wipetap and place hidden cameras inside the spaceship.”

“What we saw was absolutely disturbing, folks,” another random agent said, recovering from the shock of what he saw, taking like 3 Xanax on camera.

Not missing a beat, we sent in our most highly respected fake news journalists to uncover what truly happened in that Russian spaceship.

“Now, this is highly disturbing, so viewer discretion is advised,” said the overly zealous reporter, “We are now inside the Russian spaceship where President Trump was kidnapped!”

Footage was unreal: aliens were everywhere! (EDIT: I apologize for my racism and white privilege. What I called aliens were actually just Russian government employees.)

“The aliens, err.. I mean, Russian people inside this spaceship stripped all of Trump’s clothes off and placed him face down on what appeared to be a hospital bed, Bob!” our most trusted fake news journalist exclaimed in amazement.

According to fabricated sources, we have just received word that Vladamir Putin himself inserted an anal probe into President Trump’s, well… anal cavity.

In complete awe, our fake news journalist told us exactly what happened: “Now, I must repeat this is very disturbing, but the president seemed to enjoy Putin’s anal probe. I also vaguely heard the word ‘sanctions.’ Bob… this is Earth-shattering proof of Trump-Russia collusion.”

After a comprehensive anal probe, the aliens– DAMN IT I MEAN RUSSIANS… anyway, the Russians released President Trump back to the G7 super duber important international jerkoff summit. There was talk of sanctions. I repeat!! THERE WAS TALK OF SANCTIONS!!

According to totally fake sources we pulled out of our ass, Jared Kushner confessed to congress that he too got an anal probe from the Russians. This scandal has become even more explosive than an Ariana Grande concert. (Wait… I’m getting word that this joke was made way too soon.)

“Trump will be impeached for this Russian anal probe,” screamed Maxine Waters, an incredibly reasonable Democrat. Now remember, we do have our sources… anonymous ones, of course. NO NAMES!!

Since reports indicate Trump resisted Putin’s anal probe, most of the Democrats and even some Republicans, if you can believe it, are pushing for Impeachment. This is a very cereal matter.

“We are charging President Trump with the crime of Obstruction of the Russian Probe. Super highly trusted amazingly truthful and 100% honest intelligence officials, whose names don’t exist, have given us this information,” Maxine Waters explained succinctly.

Our sources are bulletproof and totally truthworthy, of course, because you can believe everything you read on the internet. It’s not even in the realm of possibility that our sources were just made right the fuck up. This article is an unfettered goddamn bombshell.

We reached out to the Trump Administration and super duper secret people in the White House (who don’t have names) have confirmed this anal probe TOTALLY happened. No way in hell we just made up this story to point out the media’s silliness.

“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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