Satire

Celebrity Rips New Hole In Ozone Layer Before Climate Change Speech

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

Leonardo DiCaprio recently attended a summit involving climate change discussion. The summit took place in San Diego, the city surrounded by a giant bubble of self-absorbed pretentious energy. However, on his way there, he had a giant motorcade of bodyguards in Porsche cars, all equipped with V10 engines guzzling gas like a motherfucker and pumping 50 metric tons of fossil fuels into the sky.

In an effort to outdo himself, he also flew in a private jet, burning the equivalent of 2 million gigatons of CO2 into the atmosphere, ripping a new hole in the Ozone Layer within 5 minutes. Fortunately for humanity, the hole was smaller than Leo DiCaprio’s ego.

“We need to all do our part to stop climate change! Here in San Diego, we are enlightened and get to tell the rest of the country how outdated they are! We’re so progressive and trendy!” Leo stated at the podium, totally not being a pompous prick at all.

“YEAH!!” the crowd shouted in agreement, cheering because they felt the enlightenment of San Diego, where all the real intellectuals are. Everyone outside the West Coast bubble of moral superiority is a backwards fascist.

Others magically forgot about the climate just because a celebrity was there, shouting the question, “Hey, can I have your autograph?” Some people even redundantly shouted, “It’s Leo DiCaprio!” (Thank heavens someone told us.)

Jerking off his K-Y Jelly lubed up ego, Leo continued, “Fossil fuels are destroying the planet, so if you’re not a backwards redneck retard, you need to get enlightened and reduce your carbon footprint.”

“YAYYYYY. Duuuuude. I love Earth. I love the environment so much,” a random hippie, tripping on LSD, explained, tossing a fuckton of trash onto the sidewalks just like 90% of the other activists. It was just a simple human error: we all magically forget the existence of garbage cans sometimes, so we shouldn’t be so hard on them.

WAIT!! We’re now getting reports that irony has been lost. If you find the lost irony, please report it to the proper authorities and call this number: 1-800-Pick-Up-Your-Goddamn-Trash. Once you’re on the line, press 1 for American or press 2 for Wetback.

Going on with his legendary speech, Leo said, “Everybody needs to buy a Hybrid car and start shopping at Whole Foods markets. Otherwise, you’re a misfit trying to destroy Mother Earth!”

Curiously, there was no mention of people who cannot afford these Hybrid cars or the up-scale pricing of Whole Foods. Poor people? What’s that? Leo internally struggles with the concept of poverty, denying its existence to prevent cognitive dissonance.

If you cannot afford a Hybrid, you do not exist in the eyes of Leonardo DiCaprio. The underlying assumption is that everybody can afford to randomly fork over thousands of dollars to buy a Hybrid and act like they’re saving the world.

“What if I can’t afford a Hybrid car, bro?! I drive a 1970s crapwagon,” a climate change activist who was in poverty shouted.

“That’s… impossible!” Leo’s stroking of his own ego picked up intense speed as he said, “Everyone can afford a Hybrid! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! STOP MAKING ME THINK!!!”

“HELL YEAH, BRO!!! POOR PEOPLE AIN’T FUCKING REAL!! IF I SEE A HOMELESS GUY, I GO TO MY SAFE SPACE AND PRETEND I NEVER SAW HIM!!!” an incredibly privileged upper middle class Snowflake screamed, followed by applause from the crowd.

An actual normal person happened to walk by and notice what was happening. Warning the crowd, the normal person yelled, “You all are in danger! You must leave now!” After this, the normal person sprinted away to safety.

Staring in contempt at the normal person sprinting away, a climate activist shouted in total outrage, “You’re just a backwards, unenlightened Midwestern dude. You don’t know what us REAL INTELLECTUALS know!!!” Crowd went wild in cheers of pretentious self-congratulation.

Immediately afterwards, the activist was so smug he picked a booger from his nose and ate it, saying, “Ahhh… tastes like chicken! My intellect is far superior to anybody else! I’ll buy a Hybrid and ride that motherfucker ’til the day I die! Only thing I love more than saving the planet is the smell of my own farts.”

“We have to go green and recycle everything possible. Then, we will shame everybody else into being exactly like us. Let’s hear it for individuality!” Leo DiCaprio’s ego was masturbated so hard it was about to cum. In fact, the orgasm of his ego could prove to be fatal to the activists!

As the crowd heavily applauded for over 10 seconds, Leo DiCaprio’s ego had been masturbated so hard it was too late to stop the coming volcano eruption: Leo’s ego blew its massive load all over everybody in the crowd.

“AHHHH!!” the crowd began to disperse, trying to run away, but it was too late… they all fell to the ground, unable to breathe, and were physically crushed under the weight of their own self-righteousness. All the members of the climate change crowd were pronounced dead when the coroners arrived.

Leo DiCaprio tweeted: “RIP San Diego climate change activists. Your families are in my thoughts and prayers. #Enlightened” Of course, this was tweeted from his private jet. Leo had a strong determination to rip another hole in the ozone layer while still telling the world the dangers of climate change.

A scientific illiterate conservative protester weighed in on the summit, “These goddamn liberals, dude… Climate change; schmimate change. The shit ain’t real. It’s all natural and none of it is caused by human activity! The evidence exists, but it can’t, so it doesn’t!!”

Licensed Clinical Social Workers at the summit have said the scientific illiterate conservative protester is in denial, but we asked him and he denied that assessment, “I deny that I am in denial.”

Suddenly, a portal opened up, trapping the scientific illiterate conservative protester in a never-ending cycle of denial within denial within denial… Denial-Ception. (Coming soon to a theather near you, starring Rick Perry.) The scientific illiterate conservative protester was sucked into the portal of infinite denial and was never seen again. His last words were: “George Soros is to blame!”

We asked one of the hippies who missed the summit why nearly everybody there was totally trashing the environment by throwing their shit all over the ground. The hippie responded with, “It’s all bio-degradeable. Duhhh. Get with the times. You’re not enlightened, bro.”

Our investigative journalists figured out almost none of the trash was actually bio-degradeable, so we asked him again and he could barely even be heard, replying, “Dude, I can almost see my colon and kidneys.” His head was way too far up his own ass for further questioning.

Leo DiCaprio took to Facebook live where he kept talking about hybrids, going green, and other enlightened things, causing his ego size to grow so big that it completely dwarfed San Diego. At the end of his condescending Facebook monologue, everyone in the city was sucked into a black hole, unable to run away from the gravitational pull of Leo’s ego.

Tragically, the enlightened city of San Diego was destroyed by being sucked into the black hole created by Leo DiCaprio’s ridiculously large ego colliding with San Diego’s bubble of self-absorbed pretentious energy. This collision spelled doom for everyone in the city limits.

Our investigative journalists are now trapped in another mediocre movie starring Leo DiCaprio, where he stars as a propaganda piece for climate change alamarists… oh wait. We forgot the black hole killed him.

The mainstream media is already cranking out heartfelt segments that pay tribute to Leonardo DiCaprio’s long acting career.

Andersoon Cooper of CNN said, “I can’t think of any way to say how much Leonardo DiCaprio will be missed that does his great career justice. His struggle to win an Oscar was the greatest of all time, but he managed to finally win.” Anderson rolled his eyes before continuing, “The only thing I can do to repay him for his outstanding entertainment career is… to take a crap on his desk!”

(LATER ON TWITTER, ANDERSON COOPER: “I am deeply fucking sorry for my unprofessional remarks about taking a shit on Leo’s desk.”)

Don Lemon of CNN honored his death with, “Alright, panelists. So, Leonardo DiCaprio has passed away. Now, you can’t tell me this is unrelated to Donald Trump’s abusive rhetoric! If Trump wouldn’t have been such a racist, xenophobic, Muslim hating, misogynist, orange Republican retard, Leo’s death would have never happened. We’re gonna somehow make this Donald Trump’s fault, so starting with you, John… what’s your spin on this that magically blames Leo’s death on Trump?”

Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, “I have a tingling feeling running down my leg and I can smell a whiff of fascism tonight as we’ve lost a great American movie star… Leo DiCaprio! His death was literally Watergate. After this break, we’ll bring on special guest Al Sharpton who will somehow make this about race.”

Rachel Maddow of MSNBC followed up with, “It’s about time…” Her eyes welled up with tears of joy and she grinned in pure happiness, “We have… this is not a joke… we seriously have… Leo’s tax returns from 2005!! Luckily, journalist Herka Durka Durka found them in his mailbox.” Rachel laughed awkwardly until her viewers felt uncomfortable. Then, she restored her serious news face, stating, “Next segment will be a review of all DiCaprio’s similarities to Richard Nixon. Stay tuned for this goddamn firestorm scandal! Sorry for the language. I forgot to take my meds as usual. The writer of my parody is obviously a sexist who voted for President Donald Stalin Bundy Hitler Trump.”

Sean Hannity of Fox News even stated, “Leonardo DiCaprio has passed away, but the alt radical left destroy Leo media isn’t covering this story. You will only hear this story right here, on Sean Hannity. Next, we’ll bring on Charles Krauthammer to pointlessly debate DiCaprio’s performance in Titanic. I think Rose was an evil Communist and there was plenty of room on that door. It’s a sad state of affairs, but the left wing propaganda media will NEVER tell you this!!”

Finally, Tucker Carlson of Fox News reported, “Tonight on Campus Craziness, we will talk about how we lost American acting icon, Leonardo DiCaprio. After 8 years of Obama, I’m not surprised Leo’s dead. He also turned into a black hole after combining with San Diego’s giant progressive bubble of self-absorbed pretentious energy. After the black hole formed, San Diego was totally destroyed. This could honestly be the weirdest story you’ll hear all week. In the next segment, I will bring on two female guests and see if they… can Top That!”

“Tucker… some mentally ill woman claims to be in love with a goddamn train. No psychiatrists, therapists, or social workers are on her case. So sad!” Washington Examiner blonde lady with a soft kissable face I’d love to infinitely kiss stated.

“Wow. That’s pretty weird. You win the Weirdest Story award,” Tucker proclaims before looking at the burnette lady with eyes I can stare into for hours and fall in love with, saying, “Well, sorry, but you get the participation trophy. Everybody gets one. It’s 2017. The Five is next. DON’T MISS IT!! Sworn enemy of lying, pomposity, smugness, and groupthink!! And even more sworn enemy of The True World blog!”

RIP Leo. Our hearts also go out to the family members who lost their loved ones in San Diego, which has now been completely sucked into the black hole, killing everyone and destroying everything there.

This is not a hoax. It really happened. All sources are anonymous people with no names whatsoever, giving us the same credibility as the Washington Post and the New York Times. The True World is the most trusted name in Fake News.

“There is no way in hell we made this story up just to draw attention to celebrities who burn a fuckton of fossil fuels and then give everybody else an arrogant lecture about our goddamn carbon footprints,” our top fake news journalist explained.

“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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