Satire

Povery is 100% About Race; No Other Factors Exist

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

A popular American clergyman called Donald Trump’s food stamps cut “ethnic cleansing.”

“Obviously, there is only one race in America that is poor, Bob…” an impressive journalist stated, continuing, “Those goddamn Asians. Yellow chink ass bastards!”

We did not believe this journalist when we heard this information, so we went to a study done by super real totally not fake scientists to find out… the journalist was wrong. Finding a poor Asian is like finding Big Foot.

Doctor Herkaderk, PhD, corrected the impressive journalist, “It would appear that 100% of food stamps recipients…” Everybody gasped for air waiting to hear which race it was, “Are all black people. Exactly zero white people are on food stamps, therefore Trump’s budget proposal really IS ethnic cleansing!!”

I wasn’t convinced, though, yet. It seems like cutting food stamps would hurt everybody in poverty, regardless of race, but what do I know? I’m just a stupid blogger having laughs at society and, if I don’t acknowledge the fact the only poor people in the world are black, I’m also a fucking Nazi… pretty much Hitler!

Clearly, we cannot question Dr. Herkaderk’s vast knowledge on this (and every other) subject. So, we asked him a simple question: what about poor whites?

“Poor white people simply don’t exist,” Dr. Herkaderk proclaimed, going on, “Yes, I know you see homeless white people sleeping under bridges. Yes, I know that some white people are unable to pay their bills due to having no income. Yes, I am aware that some white folks have to wait in soup kitchen lines for their next meal, having no clue where the meal after that will come from. But that doesn’t mean they are poor! They’re all actors; it’s a FALSE FLAG.”

Next time you see a white person pretending to NOT be filthy rich, make sure you tell them to check their fucking privilege because at least they’re not on food stamps. Government, you won’t fool me THIS time! I know the idea of poor whites is another false flag, made up just so you can push your hippie liberal policies onto us! White poverty is fake, orchestrated by the government just like every single school shooting in American history.

Tip of the day: If you ever see a white person pull out a food stamp card, they either stole it from a black person or it’s fake. Don’t believe it. Poor whites are all actors hired by probably like Goldman Sach’s or some shit. I don’t know. They’re not real!!

“The only poor people in America are black people. Super oppressed. Everybody else has white privilege or whatever. That’s what my Feminist Yoga Theory professor told me, so I never questioned it because it might trigger somebody who got PTSD from a mean-spirited Twitter comment,” said a progressive college student majoring in Ancient Hebrew Studies. (Bright future ahead of her.)

Since the only poor people in America are black, the racism in America has never been clearer. They’re held down by systems of oppression, all having something to do with white people. It makes me feel extremely virtuous and giddy to rhetorically defend disadvantaged and oppressed people.

I speak out about how bad certain demographics have it, but I make absolutely no effort to make any real difference in anybody’s life. Real social justice, like helping the poor and disadvantaged improve their lives, is too hard. So, I’ll settle for fake social justice, where I scream “white privilege” and “oppression” to the top of my lungs, hoping it magically makes some kind of difference somehow.

“Socioeconomic classes are color coded. Whatever paint job ya have determines exactly how much money ya make,” said one of our best investigative fake news journalists, going on, “Dark skin equals poor as goddamn dirt. Peanut butter or caramel colored skin means middle class. White means fucking rich.”

We drove through the Appalachian Mountains and saw over a hundred thousand false flag Illuminati Reptilian actors hired by wealthy Jews to pretend to be in deep poverty living in worn down trailer parks with absentee landlords and speaking broken English.

“We can’t make ends meet without government assistance,” one of the actors in a random trailer park told us, “It’s very hard out here. No job opportunities. I hope our kids move away so they can have a future.” Fucking liar. It was a white single mother talking about being poor. What would SHE know about poverty? Pffft. Three words: White. Motherfucking. Privilege.

Inner city America also had some fake poor people in it, as well. Having a low income or no income is simply impossible if you have a lighter skin color. Driving through ghettos, we saw a mixture of blacks, whites, and Hispanics. Those goddamn spics and crackers were hired by George motherfucking Soros. I’m so mad I can’t even type straight anymore. FAKERS!!!

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“Some people point to wealthy and famous blacks, pretending like they’re not poor, but these people are clueless. Morgan Freeman? Poor as dirt. He barely scrapes by on pennies,” an incredibly poor black guy told us while standing outside his mansion, going on, “Whites are so privileged.” We couldn’t interview this impoverished black guy any further as his limo arrived to transport him to the most expensive spa in town. Reports are telling us the upper middle class but also totally in poverty black limo driver traveled through about 4 white ghettos (aka. false flags) before making it to the spa.

Meanwhile, in Section 8 Housing for the poorest citizens, a white tenant looked over at his black neighbor, “Hey man. Don’t you wish the media and privileged, pampered upper middle class university students would stop pretending like poverty is all about race?”

The black neighbor shook his head briefly and frowned, replying, “I don’t think they’ll ever stop sniffing their own farts long enough to even take a glance at reality, bro. Don’t sweat it. Hey, you have any extra toilet paper? I have to take a huge dump and I’m out!”

“Nope. Not enough money to afford it. I’m out, too. Wanna go to the gas station and sneak out a few rolls, man?” asked the white Section 8 tenant.

“Hell yeah. Let’s jack those rolls!” the black neighbor responded excitedly.

“We’ll take my 1983 Jeep Shitwagon, all I can afford to drive. I’m late on my car insurance payment again, though,” the white guy stated with a sad facial expression.

“That’s okay, bro. I drive a 1988 Ford Dumpster. Old reliable. Motor’s out, though…” the black guy said with a depressed look on his face.

“Alright, as long as we can find somebody to jump start my car, we’ll be good to go. Battery’s fucked up and has more rust than a white trash trailer park rooftop! Plus, I can’t afford a jump starting kit. I wish Soros really was paying me to act poor… Damn!” the white guy exclaimed, “I’m practically bathing in privilege!”

“Wait a minute! I have an idea!” the black guy shouted in anticipation, then ran over to his white neighbor, whispering a goddamn solid idea into his ear.

“Holy fuck! You’re brilliant, Tyrone!” the white guy screamed, fist bumping his black neighbor.

Next, the white guy popped the hood of his 1983 Jeep Shitwagon and raised his hands over the battery, uttering the incantation, “I hereby order the battery to repair, the jeep to start, and for it to have legitimate liability insurance using the power of my WHITE PRIVILEGE!!!”

The Jeep knew what the FUCK that meant!!! It started up immediately and the car insurance bill paid itself by virtue of the owner’s whiteness alone. The battery hastily repaired itself magically, acknowledging the infinite privilege of its owner.

“Let’s go, you marginalized son of a bitch!” the white guy yelled, getting into the Jeep Shitwagon driver seat.

“Hell yeah. You’re my main nigga!” Tyrone replied succinctly, entering on the Jeep’s passenger side. Suddenly, Tyrone’s level of oppression caused the Jeep’s motor to blow up, stopping the vehicle and causing a cloud of black smoke to rise out of its hood.

With a heavy frown, the white guy looked over at his black neighbor and said, “Nice going, buddy.”

“Sorry,” Tyrone mumbled, lowering his head.

“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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