Satire

OJ Simpson Finally Free to Murder and Steal Again

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

A parole board in the middle of the desert, in some random country nobody has ever heard of called “Nevada,” has released OJ Simpson, an American POW. Well, not yet, but he will be released in October, his 120th birthday. President Trump is planning to be there personally to shake OJ’s hand for Simpson’s work in law enforcement.

Back in 1935, when he was like 70 years old, Detective OJ Simpson was determined to solve a mysterious double homicide: the murders of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. During his investigation, Orange Juice ventured into enemy territory: the Republic of California. Since California is located on Planet X, which destroyed Earth in 2012 in a collision, Juice was captured and viciously molested by aliens.

When President Abe Lincoln learned about Simpson’s capture, he dropped a nuclear bomb on both of California’s most powerful cities: Hiroshima and Nagasaki. This decisive strike forced Planet X’s surrender: they turned over the Orange Juice. However, OJ’s return to Earth was not well received.

Fringe lunatics started saying Detective OJ murdered both Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. When OJ went to trial for this double homicide, he told everybody he was innocent. Nobody believed him except the jury members, so they ruled “Not Guilty!!” Finally, OJ Simpson was free… or so he thought!

Years later, in like totally 2007 or something, OJ Simpson was conducting a raid on a house in foreign country nobody’s ever heard of called “Nevada” I think. Anyway, it went sour and OJ was captured as a POW of the Civil War. This is why Nevada’s parole board released him later because he behaved very well in the desert labor camp. So, they commuted the rest of OJ’s treason sentence.

This is a 100% factual, totally NOT FAKE NEWS AT ALL report about OJ Simpson’s parole hearing. In October, President Trump will shake OJ’s hand for his hard detective work on finding the REAL killers of Nicole Simpson (his mother) and Ron Goldman (his 3rd cousin’s uncle’s grandma’s dog’s roommate who CNN sources say had ties to Vladimir Putin).

Anyway, OJ Simpson has been given special permission to murder and rob the goddamn fucking shit out of anybody he meets. Reliable sources say he is moving to Florida in October to rob and murder even more people.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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