Satire

Trump Comes Out as a Feminist and Identifies as a Woman

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

According to our trusted fake news sources, President Trump came out today as a feminist and a woman. “I used to think we should secure our borders, America first, make America great again, and eradicate ISIS. But after reading an incredibly well written article on Feminist Basket Weaving, I realized the error of my ways. I am now a feminist.”

Feminists are celebrating Trump’s new decision by pouring into the streets holding nonsensical signs and wearing vagina hats. “This is a big win for us,” said a Feminist Yoga Therapy professor. We asked several feminists who attended the march about Trump’s new revelation, but some of them were skeptical. A gender fluid dragonkin feminist had this to say: “We don’t believe Trump is a feminist.”

Later in the afternoon, however, Trump tweeted something nobody would ever expect: “I identify as a 14 year old, angst-filled teenage girl. I’m coming out as transgender.” Jaws dropped across the butch dyke crowd of amorphous protesters.

Since gender is anything you feel like and biology is evil in 2017, this was a historical moment. Donald Trump, or actually Donna Trump, is the FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!! Time Magazine nameless sources told us they will be voting Donna Trump as “woman of the year 2017.” Caitlyn Jenner and Donna Trump are living, breathing proofs that men are better women than women. The patriarchy conspiracy theory has been confirmed.

We spoke with some Trump supporters later. One of them, wearing a MAGA hat and a dank Pepe the frog t-shirt, had this to say: “Listen, man. I’m down with anything the president wants to do. I say this proudly: MAKE AMERICA TRANS AGAIN!!” Make America Trans Again. The radical leftist Antifa violent rapists of Ann Coulter were right: gender is just pulled out of our asses and isn’t even real.

As you know, gender is a social construct. Men? Women? Penises? Vaginas? All bullshit. The elusive Patriarchy has been lying to us for all of human history. Nobody has any genitalia. It’s all fake news propaganda spread by biologists that claim “chromosomes” are real. Pfft. Have you ever MET a chromosome in person? Me neither. FAKE NEWS.

Let’s make a toast to 8 years of the first transgender and first female US president, Donna Trump! We reached out to the White House for further comment, but they just told us to stop writing these shitty articles. However, Sean Spicer, that mean dude who used to talk to reporters a lot, said this, “Donna Trump has seen the error of her ways and is now a champion of the liberal Democrat communist Marxist Antifa cause.”

We caught up with some celebrities later on yesterday for comment. “I’m a fucking nasty woman!!” Ashley Judd screeched after we asked her about Donna’s hormone therapy. She followed that incoherent line with, “Cheeto dust is what I use for body wash. I’m also mildly disappointed by the tampon tax.”

Nobody could make any sense of that, so we moved on to our next celebrity, Madonna, who yelled, “I’m a fucking psychopath who wants to blow up the goddamn White House!!!” Shortly thereafter, Madonna was put in a straight jacket and taken to one of the best psychiatric treatment centers in Washington D.C. Sources say Grandma Madonna is doing fine, being fed a steady diet of Ativan and apple sauce, awaiting hospice care after her release.

Millions of hardworking Americans are scrambling to get Donna Trump’s face onto Mount Rushmore. The patriarchy took a strong blow today, folks!

UPDATE: We reached out to President Donna Trump for comment. According to anonymous sources, the only sources left in journalism, they told us Trump has struggled for months to pick which of the 865 genders he wanted to identify with. That’s why it took so long for him to choose one, but he did. FEMALE.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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