Satire

MS-13 Members Are Not Thugs

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

The El Salvadoran gang, MS-13, is often accused of being “thugs” and “violent” people, but nothing could be further from the truth. Most MS-13 members are just parents struggling to provide for their families. President Trump is sending federal agents to break up these loving families instead of embracing diversity like any good progressive.

You see, diversity is the most important thing on the planet. Yes, I know MS-13 members kidnap, rape, and dismember teenagers, but who are we to judge? I mean, they’re just innocent people trying to provide for their families. What if one of those teenage “victims” like, I don’t know, shoplifted or some shit? What if one of the girls MS-13 murdered showed her boobs to a male classmate on a Skype call? You don’t know MS-13’s story, so why judge them? Only God can judge. It says so in that really long, really boring Holy Bible book in some random chapter somewhere. I’m too busy virtue signaling to even bother looking up the exact verse, but you understand my point.

Most people would say “that type of violence is evil.” Yeah right. I call bullcrap. I mean, who HASN’T kidnapped, raped, and dismembered somebody in their lives? That’s right, we ALL have, so just shut up, you racists. I’m tired of hearing how “brutal” and “violent” this gang is. REAL violence is saying nasty words like “illegal immigrants.” The correct phrase is “undocumented immigrants.” Is it ILLEGAL to be a human being just trying to provide for your family, like MS-13 members do? Only a bigot would call them “illegal aliens” or “thugs.” You only say MS-13 members are thugs because you’re super white and their skin color is darker than yours. That’s all it is. Admit it, nut up, check your privilege, and shut up, you MS-13-o-phobes!

I caught up with an MS-13 member yesterday and I asked him, “What do you think about people calling you violent thugs?” He just throat punched me and yelled something in Mexican at me. Somebody said I had a language barrier, but I don’t believe that. I think my white privilege level was so high it caused me to misunderstand whatever the gang member said. Obviously, he’s brown skinned, so if I wasn’t such a racist white boy, I would have been able to understand the dirty wetback crap he was saying to me. Language barrier? Pffft. I call it Privilege Barrier cause I tell it like it REALLY is!

After doing extensive research and reading 100+ propaganda pieces supporting undocumented immigrants from the New York Times, I realized how much Fox News was misrepresenting MS-13 members. Murderer, rapist, and thug? How about this: father of 12 trying to support his family! Now that’s the REAL story! Shit, leave these righteous people alone. Everybody I know has at least one dismembered head in their freezer and has raped at least 5 or 6 people. It’s totally normal! Let bygones be bygones. People should be able to live their lives however they want. THIS IS AMERICA!! LAND OF THE FREE!!

Just because a man crossed the border illegally, raped the fuck out of women like it was going out of style, murdered teeangers, dismembered corpses, racked up 7 DUI charges, and sold dangerous drugs causing overdoses left and right, doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. These are good people just trying to make a living and get by. Benevolent fathers of MS-13 are just trying to put food on the table and a roof over their precious children’s heads. We’ve all raped the fucking shit out of people and sold hard street drugs before, so again, who are we to judge? That’s right. Shut your fucking xenophobic mouth!

OPEN BORDERS!! How can we call ourselves Americans if we don’t just blast our borders wide open to the entire 3rd world? Trump says that’s a “national security issue,” but Trump hates wetbacks and goat fuckers, so why would we listen to that bigot? Exactly. We should do the right thing and invite ISIS into America with zero vetting; same for MS-13. Hell, I’d do ANYTHING to feel morally superior to everybody else. Smash the fash is the name of the game.

Fash means “fascist,” which describes every Trump supporter on Earth perfectly. Fascists are people who rule THEIR way and shut down dissent. In order to prove we hate people who shut down opposing views, we shut down opposing views by screaming and vandalizing our own universities. We live in a decent country and some people live in bad countries, so we should hate ourselves for it. Western culture sucks. Fuck Western culture. Goat fucking 3rd world Muslims have a WAY better culture than us! Back to the point, though: we need wide ass open, completely unguarded borders.

I’ll tell you why. Once ISIS sees how many hugs and kisses liberal hippie blue-haired Feminist Yoga Theory majors are willing to give them, they’ll put down their arms and give up jihad. The ONLY way to win against ISIS is to give them infinite kisses and hugs. If you see a 3rd world Islamic extremist about to blow up a bus or building, just sprint to him and kiss him on the mouth. The power of love will stop the terror.

Some wise dude or whatever said this: “make love, not war.” Well, that random ass wise man was right. If hugs and kisses don’t work, our backup plan is for each of us to identify as a goat. Then, instead of terrorist attacks, ISIS will just try to have anal sex with us instead. If you identify as a goat, make sure you lube up your butthole so it won’t hurt so bad when they fuck you. Also, bring a cigarette, cause I don’t know about you, but I like to have a smoke after I get fucked.

Anyway, wide fucking open borders is the best immigration policy. The evil Adolf Trump administration, however, thinks we need “security” and “public safety.” PFFFTTT!! If we don’t have swiss cheese borders, European countries might think we’re terribly racist. We can’t have that! America is always NUMBER ONE, so we must do everything in our power to be the most non-racist, welcoming, retarded virtue signalers on the entire planet. If we don’t, some European progressive vegan with eighteen facial piercings, 50 tattoos, and a bad attitude might call us “xenophobes.” That would be a devastating blow to our reputation on the world stage! As long as it makes you feel virtuous, it’s 100% rock solid foreign policy!

Until next time, with love, I’ll see you racist xenophobic bigots again. Be sure to share my article and punch a Nazi to show how non-violence is the right way. My next hard-hitting piece of literary goddamn genius will be coming soon.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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