WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.
Two days ago, President Trump said North Korea best not threaten the US or else they will receive “fire, fury, and frankly power.” Well, Trump has delivered on that promise. One of our fake news journalists obtained the Official White House statement: “North Korea threatened Guam, so we sent dragons to destroy Pyongyang. The president always delivers on his promises to the American people.”
Trump tweeted this morning: “We sent our very best dragons to North Korea to bring fire and fury upon Kim Jong Un. Winning!” Kim Jong Un surrendered immediately after the biggest city in North Korea was completely leveled by the attack. Then, something spectacular happened: the North Korean media issued a statement from their propaganda crap media. It read: “I, Kim Jong Un, confess that I have a super big crush on Donald Trump. It’s true. I’m coming out as homosexual because I’d like to hit that piece of ass for sure.”
Donald Trump responded with his own statement on Twitter: “It’s too bad little fat man wants me in a romantic way. I’m faithful to Melania. #Sanctions”. In response, Kim Jong Un cried and wrote a short but romantic poem about Trump.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m Kim Jong Un, let me fuck you.” ~Kim Jong Un, 2017
According to anonymous sources, the dragons raped Kim Jong Un in the butthole repeatedly after destroying Pyongyang. When the dragons returned to the White House, they issued a statement: “Kim Jong Un surrendered after 4 hours of butt sex. The only problem was the fact Kim had multiple orgasms and begged for more.” Trump’s “fire and fury” team, the dragons, took turns shoving their 11 inch dragon dicks into Kim Jong Un’s butt, but he came every time. In fact, the North Korean propaganda bullcrap media issued a statement: “Kim Jong Un is ready for diplomacy after the hot passionate sex with Trump’s dragons. Trump may have broken Kim’s heart, but he will never break his spirit.”
The LGBT community celebrated Kim Jong Un coming out of the closet. Also, the dragons reported Kim Jong Un’s penis was 0.175 inches long fully erect, the smallest adult penis in human history. “It almost looks like a clitoris,” said one dragon who came in Kim’s butthole. Following this, there was an explosion of mockery on social media. Thousands of people were making “small penis” jokes about Kim Jong Un. However, body positive feminists came out in full force, wearing vagina hats, and holding signs that read: “Kim Jong Un’s body is beautiful. Stop the racist body shaming!”
Personally, I am siding with the body positive feminists. I think Kim Jong Un is the most beautiful man to have ever lived. I’d fuck him. Wait, I said that wrong! Please don’t publish that on the blog! I didn’t mean that last part! Let me get back on track. Anyway, I dream about doing Kim Jong Un in the butt hole all night long. WAIT! I DIDN’T MEAN THAT! Don’t make fun of me, guys… I’M NOT GAY!!!
Wait… we’re getting a report that Donald Trump is going to “grab Kim Jong Un by the pussy” if he doesn’t stop writing love letters. Oh snap! Things are REALLY heating up! Trump also suggested Kim Jong Un was born in Canada and has a fake birth certificate claiming he was born in North Korea. Pffffft. Everybody already knows Kim was born in Canada and released a fake birth certificate. “I can’t believe the alt-left propaganda destroy Trump media isn’t reporting this!” barked Sean Hannity in his opening monologue. Meanwhile, on MSNBC, Rachel Maddow published Kim Jong Un’s tax returns from 1855 and, holy crap, let me tell you… they’re pretty damning. Bad stuff!
In other news, Republicants in congress made a new healthcare bill. It mandates hospitals to build gas chambers for the poor who can’t afford insurance. This means if you are in poverty and go to the emergency room, you will be sent to the gas chamber for “medical purposes.” Democraps are calling it “genocide,” but come on… that’s exaggeration. If they can’t pay the bills, cyanide gas chambers is what they deserve! Poor people don’t deserve medical care, those stupid no-money having motherfuckers!
The new Republicant healthcare bill also includes an automatic $100,000 reward to anybody who is already a millionaire. This means once the bill takes effect, everybody with a net worth of more than 1 million dollars will receive a $100,000 direct deposit in their bank accounts for no reason. Paul Ryan said, “rich people need more money and poor people need the gas chamber.” We asked Paul Ryan what he thought of the middle class and he said he doesn’t care if their premiums are sky goddamn high; they can just DEAL WITH IT! If you make more than $100,000 a year, your healthcare is totally free, paid for by tax dollars from the working poor and the absurdly high middle class premiums/deductibles.
Unfortunately, the GOP couldn’t pass the bill because Bitch McConnel was too busy playing with his ding-a-ling. John “Songbird” McCain called the new healthcare bill “troubling” and downvoted it. Bland Paul said the bill was the greatest he’d ever seen, stating, “The part where the poor go to gas chambers for emergency room visits makes me horny. It’s about time we stopped doctor slavery once and for all!” After that, he jerked off in front of the entire Senate due to his unmitigated sexual arousal. Trump tweeted: “The GOP has fumbled healthcare so many times they’re competing with Brett Favre.”
After that bill failed, Paul Ryan introduced a new bill mandating doctors to kill all impoverished patients by firing squad and prohibiting charities from helping the poor pay medical bills. “This is a major step in the right direction. I wish Ayn Rand were still alive and young enough to fuck because I would pound that pussy so hard she’d turn socialist.” This bill passed with flying colors in the House, but the Senate went on vacation for 4 months and played a lot of golf, ignoring the new bill. When they returned, they voted it into law, but Orange Overlord Trump vetoed it, saying, “I didn’t even read the bill because I was too busy having pretentious rallies in the rust belt to stroke my ego.”