Satire

The Texas Charlottesville Massacre

WARNING: Contains racial slurs. If you’re offended, I don’t care. Don’t write me about it or tell me about it. You’re wasting your time.

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

On the 11th and 12th of August 2017, there was a massacre in Charlottesville unlike any other. Millions of Antifa protesters were so angry that Trump won last November, they were pushed to the brink of suicide. Also, over 200 million white supremacists were marching all over the city, killing all blacks and Jews on sight. The white supremacists beat the blacks and Jews to death using torches. This unprecedented hate crime changed the combined population of blacks and Jews in Charlottesville to negative 50. That’s right, even if 50 blacks and Jews (combined total) moved to Charlottesville, their demographics’ populations would equal 0.

 

Sick and tired of the Trump administration, Antifa members lined up on the road, ready to commit suicide. Out of nowhere, an endless convoy of Dodge Challengers ran straight into the suicidal Antifa members, killing over 200 thousand, making it the biggest act of mass suicide in history. “I can’t believe Trump was elected last November. I never really got over it, so I just stood in the road, waiting to get hit by the infinite Dodge Challengers, but they never came,” a disgruntled Antifa member explained, raising his voice to a fierce yell, “THEY NEVER CAME!!” We couldn’t question him any further as he began sobbing uncontrollably and sprinted away, flailing his arms as he ran.

 

Meanwhile, we caught up with one of the white supremacists to ask him what was going on, “Thilm dayumm neeggers and kacks are killin’ our kuntry!!!” I typed his words exactly as pronounced; I believe he was referring to black and Jewish people. You be the judge. We caught up with another one and he said this: “Charlottesville’s takin’ away our heritage by removing that Abraham Lincoln statue. The confederacy is alive and well. The southeast WILL rise again!!” We appreciated how he specified which part of the south was going to rise again. After beating up enough commies, they were gonna party like it’s 1871.

 

Antifa members who were NOT suicidal clashed with the white supremacists, chanting, “Take down Abraham Lincoln!!” They were referring to the statue’s removal. Good point! How could southern heritage possibly survive without an Abraham Lincoln statue, the symbol of the confederacy. Antifa flew flags with the Soviet Union symbol on them while the white supremacists flew the flags of the confederacy: white flags. All anybody really knew was most of the protesters on both sides were EXTREMELY white. One side was communist students who did NOT major in economics (Antifa). The other side was peaceful, loving, and charming southerners just wanting to keep their Abraham Lincoln statue (white supremacists).

 

“HERITAGE NOT GODDAMN HATE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!” screamed a white supremacist as he gave me the stank eye. I responded with, “Umm… YEAH! KEEP ABRAHAM LINCOLN!!!” Then, he stopped giving me the stank eye since he thought I was on his side. “CNN IS GOD!!!” an Antifa member screamed to the top of her lungs, continuing, “Replace Lincoln with Anderson Cooper!!” She wanted a statue of Anderson Pooper instead of Abraham Lincoln in Charlottesville, so she agreed with the statue’s removal.

 

Out of nowhere, the blacks and Jews rose from the dead and summoned chainsaws. They were now zombies with chainsaws and they began killing all the rioters and protesters. Speaking of rioting, I asked an Antifa member why they were rioting. He replied, “Sure, we destroy other people’s property. Yeah, I know… we break the windows of buildings. Of course we assault anybody we come across. We throw Molitov cocktails at police cars. BUT WE’RE NOT RIOTERS!! WE’RE PEACEFUL!!! Can’t you see we’re the good guys?!?!”

 

After that, it was too dangerous for me to stay. Zombies were killing everybody in sight with their chainsaws. President Trump declared martial law on Charlottesville after hundreds of thousands of Antifa/white power people were slaughtered by the reckless zombies. Within 15 minutes, new white supremacists strolled into town with a new statue: Martin Luther King. “We’re putting this right beside Lincoln cause we know the southeast WILL rise again!”

 

Antifa members were devastated by the MLK statue and said, “Martin Luther King was a bigot who opposed segregation! He didn’t BELIEVE in safe spaces, so he was a motherfucking racist!!” It wasn’t long before both groups were at each other’s throats again. However, the zombies were slaughtering people by the dozens and the white supremacists had formed a firing squad line. But they were quickly running low on ammo and the black/Jew zombies were closing in on them fast.

 

Suddenly, Abe Lincoln’s angel showed up from the heavens, descending from the sky. “Four score and seven queers ago, I hereby banish these chainsaw zombies to Berkeley California, so they can live among their own kind!!” Holding an ornate scepter of fate that began to glow, Lincoln’s angel banished all the zombies to Berkeley, where they would live among their own kind and become LGBTQIA. Everybody was amazed by Honest Abe’s angel showing Charlottesville his powers, so they threw down their weapons and called a truce…

 

JUST KIDDING! Both Antifa and the white power groups started taking turns killing each other using Dodge Challengers until nobody was left. The stench of dead bodies filled Charlottesville as emergency crews covered and transported the bodies to the closest morgues possible. The mayor of Charlottesville tweeted about the incident: “The emergency crews are working very hard on cleaning the streets of Charlottesville again. In the meantime, we’ve decided to keep the Abraham Lincoln statue.” Cheers erupted from people who had been hiding inside their homes and a small group of almost dead white supremacists erected the 2nd statue of their biggest hero: MLK.

 

Coughing up blood from internal bleeding, the last remaining white supremacist explained, “This statue… ugh… represents our love… for MLK… the ultimate house nigger… the south will rise… a–” He died. RIP random white power dude.

 

I was deeply saddened by this loss. It wasn’t just my loss; it was OUR loss. Humanity lost some great people today. I stood over his body as tears welled up in my eyes. Antifa and white power groups had united the whole country in one day. Standing near the bodies of patriots made me start humming the national anthem as unlimited patriotism filled my body. Finally, a Dodge Challenger ran over me, ending my proud moment. I wrote this whole thing from ICU.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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