Satire

Anderson Cooper is Trump’s Abusive Ex

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

 

After condemning white supremacists of Charlottesville, Virginia, Trump’s PTSD was triggered by his abusive ex-boyfriend, Anderson Cooper. “I condemn the violence on both sides,” said Trump on August 12th, 2017.

 

In response, Anderson Cooper stated, “I can’t believe you didn’t condemn the racists by name!” So, Trump came out stating, “Racism is evil,” going on to condemn white supremacists, the KKK, and neo-Nazis by name. Hormones were flying as Anderson Cooper shouted, “Trump didn’t condemn them fast enough! He waited too long!” This revealed why their romantic relationship fell apart: no matter what Trump did, Cooper was never satisfied and kept making more demands.

 

Trump had a panic attack in the oval office as he watched CNN in horror, triggering a flashback of Cooper’s abuse during their relationship. Frantically hyperventilating and feeling an impending sense of doom, Trump swallowed a Xanax bar to calm himself down. According to our most trusted fraud news sources, the romantic relationship between Trump and Cooper was “very turbulent.” We’re going to go back in time, back when they were together.

 

“Why don’t you ever fix me breakfast in bed?” Cooper sobbed. They were in bed and Trump was cuddling Cooper.

 

Kissing Cooper on the cheeks a few times, Trump responded, “I’ll make you breakfast in bed, baby. It’ll be a surprise!”

 

Frowning heavily, Cooper barked, “It doesn’t matter now! I had to TELL you to do it, so even if you make me breakfast in bed, it won’t be sincere!”

 

Trump gasped and asked, “But I want you to be happy, Cooper. You communicated what you want and since we’re in a relationship, I want to make you happy.”

 

“NO!!” Cooper pouted, pushing Trump away from cuddling. Trump leaned over to kiss Cooper on the forehead and Cooper yelled, “GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU MONSTER!! YOU HATE ME, DON’T YOU!?!?”

 

Taken aback, Trump replied, “No, baby. I love you and want you to be happy. You’re the fakest news in all the land!”

 

Blushing, Cooper rolled over to look Trump in the eyes, questioning, “Do you MEAN it, honey?! I’m the fakest!?!?!”

 

“Yes, baby. You’re the fakest news in the universe,” Trump responded.

 

Cooper hugged Trump tightly, kissing him on the forehead multiple times, “You’re so good to me. I love you so much.” It was a 180 degree change out of nowhere.

 

That was an example of the manipulation and abuse Cooper used on Trump during their “turbulent” relationship, according to 100% fake anonymous bullshit sources. Anyway, moving on… Cooper still bashed Trump on CNN because he’s still Trump’s abusive ex after all.

 

“Donald Trump didn’t REALLY mean it when he condemned white supremacists! Also, he compared counter-protesters standing against fascism to LITERALLY HITLER Nazis!!!” Anderson Cooper reported on his CNN show.

 

In response, Trump announced this is a press conference: “From this point forward, I am joining forces with ANTIFA, the most nonviolent, peaceful, intellectual people on the planet. Together, we will eradicate the racists and bigots. And we will silence any and all speech we dislike!” Cheers erupted from all the journalists at the conference.

 

Cooper made a sudden frown on his program, “This just in… breaking news. President Trump has declared himself an honorable member of ANTIFA, the absolute saints who stand firm against evil.” In dismay, Cooper paused for a few seconds, lowering his head. Then, Cooper remarked, “Trump, you’re a fucking failure, you know that?! You should have joined ANTIFA a long time ago! Now, since YOU joined ANTIFA, you’ve ruined EVERYTHING! That’s all you ever do is ruin EVERYTHING!!! You never even proposed to me, you piece of shit! Yes, I cheated on you with 17 other guys, but you know what?! YOU DID ME WRONG!!!”

 

Donald Trump cried as he watched Cooper lay into him, calling Melania on the phone. Here’s the transcript…

 

*four rings and Melania answers*

–Donald: “Honey, I need you to come home to me. Get out of Trump tower and come back. I need your snuggles and affection because my abusive ex is on TV bashing me every single day. The fake news is triggering my PTSD and I can’t do this alone!”

–Melania: “I love you, Donny. I’ll come to you as soon as possible to give you the best snuggles the world has ever seen!”

*Trump begins sobbing and his nose gets a bunch of snot from crying*

–Trump: “I’m not a racist… I disavow, baby.” *raises his voice to a yell* “I DISAVOW THE KKK, GODDAMN IT!!”

–Melania: *soft voice* “Shhh… it’s okay, baby. I know you’re not a racist. You disavowed the motherfucking shit out of them. That’s why I love you so much! You’re my God Emperor.”

–Trump: *crying subsides* “Do you MEAN it?!”

–Melania: “Yes, I mean it, baby. Nobody is less racist than you, my love. Wait until you get these bad ass snuggles! They’ll blow you the fuck away, my God Emperor!”

–Trump: *no longer crying* “We’re gonna have the BEST snuggles. We’ll be winning! Melania, honey, you’re gonna get SO SICK OF WINNING!!”

–Melania: “Good night, God Emperor. I’ll text you 50 hearts!”

–Trump: *not to be outdone* “Oh yeah?! Well, I’ll text you 51 hearts! How about THAT one?!”

–Melania: “Oh no, I’ve been defeated!”

–Trump: “Good night, Goddess Melania!111!!!

*phone call ends*

 

Sources pulled straight out of my ass say Trump and Melania are spooning so hard the pain of Anderson’s abuse has gone away. With a Xanax bar and a Viagra, fake BS made up sources say Trump is nailing his wife so hard he is rocking her fucking world, causing multiple orgasms.

 

“I CONDEMN BOTH SIDES!!” Trump shouted as he came harder than ever before, with Melania having an orgasm at the same time.

 

“Oh yeah, baby. Condemn those sons of bitches!” Melania said as she rolled over to light up a $2,000 Cuban cigar.

 

Don Lemon was jealous of Anderson Cooper’s relationship with Donald Trump, so his show on CNN is dedicated to bashing Trump 24/7 out of jealousy. Anonymous sources, the only sources we have, say Don Lemon spends most of his days beating his dick to pictures of the president while his writers and editors work hard to script the bashing of Trump.

 

Lemon has a closet in his studio apartment in NYC. He always hangs out inside it and sources say Lemon never wants to come out of the closet when he’s at his house. Inside the closet is a night light and pictures of Donald Trump plastered all over the walls within. There’s also an entire box full of lube, half of it used. We’re not sure what Mr. Don Lemon is doing when he refuses to leave his closet at his studio apartment. We’ll let you readers be the judge of that.

 

A state Senator from University City Missouri, representing a suburb right outside my home city of St Louis, decided to embarrass herself and all of us normal people who voted. Maria Chappelle-Nadal, representing University City, called for President Trump to be fucked in the butt with 20 inch dildos until he died. Every normal person across the country has called for her to resign, because butt raping the president is not tolerated. We need to have respect for the office of the presidency! Trump is our God Emperor, impressing Kek every single day, so he deserves our dedication.

 

I’d like to note that other St Louis representatives are normal people who don’t advocate butt fucking Trump to death. They’ve all called for Senator Chappelle-Nadal’s resignation. If she doesn’t resign by veto session next month, Missouri Governor Eric Greitens will bring in Chuck Norris to whip her fucking ass until she resigns. If she doesn’t resign, Norris will roundhouse kick her radical ass all the way to Berkeley California where she belongs. Then, Maxine Waters will have a new neighbor to invite over for tea parties and overblown rhetoric.

 

“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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