Satire

Man Watches Solar Eclipse Without Going Live On Facebook

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

In an act of sheer defiance and rebellion, Jimmy Burke in Kansas City watched the solar eclipse on August 21th 2017 WITHOUT going live on Facebook.

 

“There’s just no way to describe it. He’s nuts!” said a neighbor, “Facebook live to show off the solar eclipse is basically required these days!”

 

We couldn’t believe it either. Jimmy put on the eclipse glasses and actually looked at the event with his own eyes. Most of us recorded the event through our iPhone 55’s 100 billion megapixel camera.

 

“So why’d ya do it, Jimmy?” asked one of our fraud reporters.

 

Scratching the back of his head nervously, Jimmy replied, “I just put on my glasses, walked outside to my back porch, sat down, and watched the solar eclipse.”

 

“Do you think technology has cheapened rare experiences like this solar eclipse?” our bullcrap journalist questioned.

 

Squinting and lighting up a cigarette, Jimmy stated, “Yes. Everywhere I go, everybody’s staring at their fucking phones. They’d walk in front of a train just to send their newest text or snapchat to their half-retarded frat boy and sorority friends.”

 

We conducted a study of Jimmy Burke’s neighborhood to discover how his fellow Kansas City people watched the eclipse. We surveyed 100 people to keep it simple.

 

Results

1.) 80 people went on Facebook Live and spoke in an obnoxious, excited voice the whole time.

2.) 14 people simply took pictures of the solar eclipse, but used snapchat filters to put rabbit ears on the moon/sun.

3.) 5 people told us the eclipse was fake and it was all liberal hippie indoctrination.

4.) 1 person watched the event with his own two eyes (Jimmy Burke).

 

One of the women who used the snapchat rabbit ears filter told us, “This is so funny and cute. It’s not like people have used this filter a million fucking times all over the internet or anything. My gosh, I’m so thoughtful! Oh, and this is what the solar eclipse looks like with the clown zombie transexual filter!” After saying that, the woman showed us what the totality eclipse looked like with the hybrid gay dog fucker filter.

 

The friendly neighborhood conspiracy theorist guy declared, “The solar eclipse is a hoax designed by the government to take our guns away!”

 

“Sir, that doesn’t make any sen–” our journalist was interrupted.

 

“Sense? Yes it does. Here’s a picture of the solar eclipse, right?” the guy showed the journalist a picture from his phone, going on, “As you can see, if you squint hard enough, play connect the dots with the moon’s craters on windows paint, turn the picture upside down, and apply a vintage filter to it… it kinda looks like Hitler. That proves it.”

 

Nodding and not confused at all, our false narrative journalist replied, “Wow. Now that I think about it, that makes perfect sense.”

 

“You’ve been red pilled, my friend. Now you know the truth,” the conspiracy guy affirmed, raising his voice to a volume just below yelling, “The truth will set you free!! You gonna learn today”

 

Finally, we caught up with a teenage girl who broadcast the solar eclipse to Facebook Live. I asked why she did it. “Like, oh my gosh. I have sooo many friends, like three thousand on Facebook. The lunar like, eclipse thingy I recorded is like, historical or something. I don’t know. Wait, is it, like, solar? Heck, I’m not sure. Let’s just enjoy the cool stuff in nature and sing, like, really cool songs around a campfire! Or something,” the teenage girl answered with that thought-provoking response.

 

To be honest, I don’t know much about the solar eclipse hype, but I do know one thing: nothing will stop me from continuing to write these literary bombshells.

 

“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.

 

 

 

 

(Picture at the top is courtesy of NASA)

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