Satire

Conor McGregor Challenges God To Kickboxing Match

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

 

According to the fakest sources humanly possible, Conor ‘the notorious’ McGregor has challenged God to a professional kickboxing match. Here was his statement: “God may be undefeated, but his fookin’ chin is deteriorating and he gets all wobbly. I’m gonna put him to sleep in 1 round flat. Mark my words. I’m a fookin’ freak of nature and God’s just not in his prime. The little fookin’ weasle hasn’t knocked anybody out since Noah’s Ark.”

 

The famous Irish MMA fighter made this announcement during a press conference. Naturally, we reached out to God for a reasonable comment, but all we got was this cocky statement: “My undefeated record speaks for itself. The universe? Check. Intelligent design? Double check. Nobody knows who I am, so everybody makes their own holy book? Triple check. Working in mysterious fucking ways?! QUADRUPLE CHECK! You think you’re bad cause you fight in the octagon? Try steppin’ in the ring with me, Connor McGregor, you bitch!!! MEET YOUR MAKER!!!”

 

Many kickboxing experts have weighed in, saying Conor McGregor is going to lose because he has no professional kickboxing experience. However, some people believe he has a chance. For example, Mike Tyson said, “With throng technique, he’th got a really good chanth of knocking out God in the firth round.” President Trump declared, “This fight’s gonna be YUGE, like my hands! Speaking of my hands, something else might be small? Well, I guarantee you there’s no problem.”

 

Since God accepted McGregor’s challenge, all networks broadcasting the event are charging $1,000 per minute, pay-per-view only, to view it. Just swipe your credit card and BOOM: your life savings gone. No matter who wins this match, the fighters will be getting paid 2 trillion dollars each.

 

“This is the biggest fight in the history of all fights and I’ve got my money on my boy, McGregor! I am confident in his skills to knock God out quickly! We’ve been training very hard and, from what I see, Conor has really learned a lot in his three days of professional kickboxing training! Oh, by the way, buy the new purple Mountain Dew with my face on it to support the UFC!!!” explained Dana White, sellout President of UFC.

 

Anonymous sources close to God, mainly schizophrenics, pastors, and Alex Jones, have been asking God the TOUGH questions leading up to this event.
*transcript of Alex Jones’ interview with God*

–Alex Jones: “So, I see you’re taking a break from turnin’ the frickin’ frogs gay. Some people are saying we’ll finally confirm which holy book is true. Will you, right now, endorse a holy book?”

–God: “No. Why the hell would I do that? Every time somebody cuts off an infidel’s head in the Middle East, I heat up some popcorn in the Heavenly Microwave. They think I’d make a pedophile my spokesman.” *laughs in godliness*

–Alex Jones: “Okay, what about the Christians, the Catholics?”

–God: “No amount of Hail Marys and dunking people into water will make Conor McGregor win, I can tell ya that. By the way, you people honestly think I’d change my mind out of nowhere, flood the Earth, and suddenly everything’s good? Hell no. God don’t make mistakes, bitches!”

–Alex Jones: “The Mormons?”

–God: “I’d like to take ya back to biblical days… 1823. An angel named Moroni visited–”

–Alex Jones: “You serious right now?”

–God: “Fuck no.”

–Alex Jones: “Scientologists?”

–God: “Their church’s founder took Sigmund Freud way too seriously. That’s all I’ll say about them. They’ll sue me if I say any more. By the way, that’s how they silence criticism. Scientologists just sue the fuck out of whoever thinks they’re whacko.”

–Alex Jones: “Okay, so what about the starving kids in Africa. Why do you allow their births into starvation and poverty so much?”

–God: “We’re done. No more.” *puts hand in the camera’s view*

–Alex Jones: “Yeah, you don’t wanna talk about it… cause you’re an intellectual dumb ass!”

–God: *throws his hot coffee into Alex Jones’ face* OFF!!! *camera shuts off on demand*

*transcript ends*

 

Alex Jones is making a speedy recovery in ICU. Fake bullshit sources tell us he was hospitalized for a moderate case of atheism. God avoided the toughest questions before even asked. We reached out to Jones for comment and he stated: “This is how brainwashed God really is. Look at him, a literal slave to the system!”

 

We sent one of our guys into the Las Vegas arena where Conor and God were to face off in the kickboxing match of the multiverse, but we haven’t heard anything back yet.

 

UPDATE: Conor McGregor and God actually fought. I was able to see the fight firsthand, so now I will describe the experience, even though everybody in Las Vegas is now dead. With my last few breaths, I will write what I saw…
I swiped my credit card, paying for a million dollar ticket. No, literally… it cost a million dollars just to get a ticket for the front row. All the poor people who paid $100,000 sat in the back rows. Ha ha, the plebs! Where was I? Oh yeah, the fight…

 

It was quiet in the arena surprisingly as the two fighters stood on opposite sides of the arena glaring at each other. The referee was standing in the middle making the most serious facial expression in human history.

 

Suddenly, the crowd erupted in cheers as the ref shouted, “FIGHT!!!”

 

Conor and God touched gloves and then started throwing punches and kicks so fast nobody could see what was going on. In confusion, the referee backed up, leaning against the ropes trying to keep up with the punches. Then, he held out a device showing the speed and power of the punches. Both fighters were punching at approximately the following speeds/powers: 500 mph, 50 thousand psi. Kicks were the same speed, but 85 thousand psi in force. By far, these were the strongest and fastest strikes in human history!

 

DING DING!!

 

Round 1 was over and the fighters had stopped striking each other, walking back to their respective corners. Suddenly, God turned, grabbing Conor by the left ankle and throwing him onto the ground in his corner of the ring. The ring shattered! God landed on his feet, Conor got back onto his feet, and the referee was unconscious.

 

Next, the fighters’ hairs began moving around mysteriously and wind filled up the arena. Energy was visible around each fighter as they screamed, “HGGGRAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

 

An announcement came over the intercom: “Attention viewers inside the T-Mobile Arena! Their power levels are upwards of 100,000. Be advised!! You’ll feel a draft and you may be in danger of instant death!”

 

The two fighters clashed again, but this time, both were flying in the air. However, nobody could stop them because the referee was still unconscious. Strikes were now loud as they broke the sound barrier, creating massive cracking sounds that hurt everybody’s eardrums every time a punch or kick landed. Unfortunately, this chaos went on for the next 7 rounds.

 

DING DING!!!!

 

That was 8 rounds total. Slowly, the referee was meandering his way back to consciousness and onto his feet. Once the referee was conscious fully, he said, “Round 9… FIGHT!”

 

Conor McGregor and God both pulled out light sabers, McGregor’s sword green and God’s sword red. Then, they began to quickly swing their glowing swords at each other.

 

“STOP! NO WEAPONS ALLOWED!!!” the referee tried to jump in the middle of the action to stop the two fighters. Conor McGregor flexed his muscles very hard, screaming, and his hair turned gold, sticking straight up. Then, Conor kicked the ref in the upper abdomen. After that, the ref flew backwards through the air, crashing into a section of seats and flying into a nearby mountain. It caved in on him, killing him.

 

With no referee, the fight really heated up. After a few minutes of the crowd recovering from T-Mobile arena getting a giant hole in it, Conor and God both took a swing, clashing their light sabers together and breaking them. Quickly, both fighters discarded the light sabers.

 

“You broke my fookin’ light saber, you little bitch!” Conor was glaring at God with unlimited intensity. Meanwhile, both fighters were powering up and Conor’s new golden hair grew downward to the middle of his back, with triangular block sectioning in his hairstyle, “THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FOOKIN’ FORM!!!”

 

Conor charged at God with a front kick, knocking him through the arena, destroying yet another section of seats with a giant hole. God landed on the ground outside the arena, making a 100 square feet crater.

 

“CONOR! CONOR! CONOR! CONOR!” the crowd was chanting after they all gasped at the arena damage simultaneously.

 

God came out of nowhere, teleporting behind Conor and punching the notorious Irishman in the back, knocking him to the ground, creating a massive crater in the middle of the arena. The audience gasped in dismay.

 

Slowly returning to his feet, Conor wiped blood from the right side of his lip, beginning to power up once again. “ARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHASDGHGGHGHGHGHAHDGHGHAERGHADGHGHHGGHGHAHGHHWEGUIOEWHOGHGHGHGH!!!!

 

Conor’s hair changed color to pitch black, his eyes appeared to have eyeliner for some reason, now colored red, and his musculature increased dramatically. He also grew a tail out of nowhere. “You’re gonna fookin’ regret that!!”

 

God powered up as well, having the same physical changes. The entire arena was pulsating as a torrent of rocky debris was raining down onto the ceiling in a downpour. The “rain” was like overpowered hail and the ceiling was damaged harshly. Abruptly, the ceiling started to cave in on everybody inside the T-Mobile arena.

 

Conor and God clashed punches, with their fists meeting directly, knuckle to knuckle. However, the force of their connection was so powerful it created a shockwave, destroying the entire arena and flinging all audience members, including myself, away from the center of the arena. We landed miles away.

 

The last thing I remember was Conor McGregor floating in the air at Super Saiyan 4 level, cracking open a bottle of whiskey, and saying, “This whiskey tastes so fookin’ good! Keep your eyes peeled for Notorious Whiskey. It’s coming your way!”

 

*back to the present time*

“I cannot write anymore, Jeff. Please… post my record of Conor and God’s fight onto your blog, The True World…” the journalist coughed up a chunk of blood onto his chest, going on, “This record is my firm achievement. Tell my wife and kids I love them and all that other shit you’re supposed to do when somebody dies.”

 

My journalist died. RIP news guy. Thanks for the blog post!

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