Satire

Local Liberal Woman Doesn’t Believe Tucker Carlson

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

In a middle class suburb of Los Angeles, California, there is a strident liberal named Jennifer Travis. After working at her job managing her small business bakery, she comes home every day to watch CNN to stay updated on current events. She tunes into the usual Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper shows and, with each passing day, becomes more and more indoctrinated with radical leftist ideology and alarmism.

 

Today, EVERYTHING CHANGES! Jennifer is home after work and, after heating some processed crap in the microwave, she sits down in her comfortable recliner, ready to consume partisan hacks… CNN is out! The channel is out! Frantically, she turns to MSNBC… same thing!! ABC? BBC? ALL liberal cable news outlets PERIOD? Let me say it again: OUT!!! Flustered, she calls her cable company and, after being on hold for 1 hour and 45 minutes, a customer service rep answers. (Not a bad wait time for an American cable company!)
Transcript of the call…

Cable Dude: “Hi! How can I assist you today, Jennifer?”

Jennifer: “Wow, that was quick answering! Slow day? Anyway, this is an emergency! All the REAL news outlets are out!”

Cable Dude: “I’m sorry. Can you be more specific? MMMMMMM…” *grunts*

Jennifer: “CNN, MSNBC, ABC, BBC… ALL of them! OUT!!!”

Cable Dude: “I see. That’s true. All the channels you mentioned are out today. But let me check something for a minute…” *puts Jennifer on hold for 30 minutes and returns* “Well, it looks like you’re in luck! Oh baby…” *grunts harder*

Jennifer: “I got my news channels back?!?!”

Cable Dude: “No. Actually, while those channels you mentioned are out today, there is one real news channel still on.”

Jennifer: *with skepticism* “What channel is that?”

Cable Dude: “Fox News is up and running. The others will be out until tomorrow morning at around, oh… 11 AM.”

Jennifer: “HOW DARE YOU CALL FOX NEWS A REAL NEWS CHANNEL!!! YOU MUST BE A RACIST HITLER NAZI!!”

Cable Dude: *moment of pause* “Uhh, no. Last I checked, I wasn’t a racist Hitler Nazi. Well, I’m sorry for your inconvenience. Is there anything more I can help you with today? AWWWWW MHM!!!” *grunts harder than ever*

Jennifer: “I’M GONNA SWITCH COMPANIES!!!”

Cable Dude: “I’m sorry again. Looks like we’re the only one in your area… oh YEAH!!” *grunts like nobody has grunted before* “Man, I need some tissue paper now.” *wipes his dick off from cumming so hard*

Jennifer: “Were you jerking off?!?!”

Cable Dude: *stops masturbating* “How could I do that with such a… valued customer on the line?! If you’d like to make a complaint, I’m suuuuuure corporate would reeeaally like listen with lube, umm, I mean listen with care and concern to your–”

Jennifer: “GO FUCK YOURSELF, DUDE!!!” *presses the End button on her cell phone with untold fury which stubs her thumb* “OUCH!!!”

*phone call ends*
In unfeterred outrage, Jennifer grabs the remote and turns the channel to Fox News.

 

“Good evening and welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight!” Tucker Carlson stated on Fox.

 

“More like FUCKER Carlson! DAMN IT!! Why does my beloved Anderson Cooper–” Jennifer performs the Catholic cross and says 3 hail marys, “have to be out today?!”
*transcript of Jennifer watching Tucker Carlson*

Tucker: “Hurricane Harvey has caused untold devastation–”

Jennifer: “Bullshit! I bet there wasn’t even a hurricane. This is nothing more propaganda from Donald Trump, Cheeto-In-Chief!” *indignant*

Tucker: “Charlottesville riots left one woman named Heather Heyer dead–”

Jennifer: “NO THEY DIDN’T!! If only I had ANDERSON or DON LEMON on right now, they’d tell me the TRUTH!!!” *angry*

Tucker: “Another storm called Hurricane Irma is brewing–”

Jennifer: “Fuck you, lying Faux News conservative lip service machine! There’s no hurricane called Irma, dipshit. Wow, I can’t believe the right wing hacks on this channel!” *anger intensifies*

Tucker: “Human beings have two arms and two legs, usually.”

Jennifer: “NO THEY DON’T!!! I can’t BELIEVE this nonsense I’m hearing! Only on Fake Fox News would they say something THIS stupid and incorrect!” *pure outrage*

Tucker: “George Washington was the first president of United States.”

Jennifer: “NO!! LIES!!! I can’t bear to watch this any longer!!” *uncontrollable rage*

Tucker: “Two plus two equals four.”

Jennifer: “LIAR!!!!” *impossible levels of rage* *turns TV onto Don Lemon DVR recording*

Don Lemon: “Is Trump a racist? Is Trump homosexual? Is Trump transgender? Does Trump eat live human babies for breakfast? If you answered yes to all those questions, you’re correct!”

Jennifer: *sigh of relief* “Finally… some fact-based journalism again. I can’t stand Fox News and their lies. CNN tells it like it REALLY is!”

*news watching over*
UPDATE: Sources tell us Jennifer Travis is going to the hospital to take like 14 Ativan for her unprecedented levels of baby rage after watching only 3 minutes of Tucker Carlson’s show on Fox News. As I type this report, Ms. Travis is already filing a lawsuit against Fox News LLC for causing her ER visit.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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