Satire

Berkeley Lets Ben Shapiro Speak Through Skype With No Audience

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

To regain their fame as the apotheosis of free speech, UC-Berkeley has invited Ben Shapiro to speak. However, anti-free speech groups like Antifa think Ben is Literally Hitler, so Berkeley’s administration has predicted some people will be mildly upset about Shapiro’s appearance. For public safety reasons, UC-Berkeley has agreed to let Ben Shapiro speak through Skype to an auditorium with no audience.

 

“If there’s no audience, less people will be triggered,” a Berkeley professor stated, continuing, “Ben Shapiro is known for reciting facts, which is dangerous on this pretentious west coast campus, so the speech must happen digitally, through Skype. I hope it doesn’t trigger our computer systems. Our IT guys are stressed enough over this event already.”

 

A student from the Berkeley Conservative Organization declared, “Finally they’ll allow somebody we paid for and invited to speak. I can’t wait to not get to hear him because it’ll be through Skype in an auditorium nobody is allowed to enter.” Unable to contain his excitement, the conservative student went on, “I can’t wait to not hear anything Ben has to say! This event has me so excited, or maybe it’s the 7 cups of coffee I had this morning.”

 

The new president of Berkeley, replacement for the former president who was slaughtered by Super Saiyan Ann Coulter, had some remarks, “Nobody does free speech like UC-Berkeley. We’re the center of the universe here in America. Our ideas are better than everybody else’s.” He farted out loud and squatted down to sniff it briefly, standing back up and saying, “We’re gonna show the world that we’ll let ANYBODY speak on this campus that we disagree with, but the auditorium is facing renovations. It’s a complete coincidence.”

 

Ben Shapiro is a popular conservative who runs his own talk show, called “Melt The Snowflakes” show. Wait… I’m hearing breaking news that I got the name of Ben’s show wrong. We’ll come back and correct it later.

 

“Facts don’t care about your feelings,” said Ben Shapiro, declaring, “I should be able to speak in person to an auditorium full of anybody who wants to listen.”

 

Hyperventilating, a non-binary gender fluid dragonkin non-racial asexual trans student responded, “Feelings are the most important. It’s vital that Ben Shapiro doesn’t get to speak because he’s a NAZI. HE’S LITERALLY HITLER! Seriously, Hitler didn’t die in 1945. That’s nothing but Trump liar-in-chief propaganda! Adolf Hitler simply changed his name to Ben Shapiro and moved to America. Now, he’s turning everybody into Nazis with the most triggering weapon of mass evil in history… facts.”

 

According to our most reliable sources, here are the statistics of reactions to Ben Shapiro’s zero audience Skype speech:

1.) 158 panic attacks… 25 of them were people with a real Panic Disorder issue. The other 133 came from radical left Antifa members.

2.) 72 snowflakes literally melting… allowing Shapiro to convey ideas they disagree with is just like Jews in gas chambers.

3.) 200 very mean RACIST XENOPHOBE TRANSPHOBE NAZIS excited to hear Ben Shapiro’s speech… they’re nothing but a bunch of BIG MEANIES!!

4.) 20 professors hyperventilating while preaching anti-free speech sophistry to their students.

5.) The medical department of UC-Berkeley overwhelmed with thousands of suicidal and homicidal students, having to outsource them to off-campus psychiatric wards.

 

UC-Berkeley is twisted like a pretzel. On one hand, they are THE GODS AND LEGENDS of free speech. On the other hand, most of their student body is afraid of facts/statistics, so Ben Shapiro is like a demon with horns coming from his head.

 

Legend has it Ben Shapiro has an interesting schedule…

~7:00 AM… wake up to Skype with Literally Hitler after summoning him with a Ouija Board.

~8:00 AM… eat 3 babies and brush teeth afterwards.

~9:00 AM… SPEW HATRED on his MEAN show where he says EVIL facts.

~12:00 PM… stick needles through an Obama voodoo doll.

~1:00 PM… lunch break, where he eats transgender souls.

~3:00 PM… meet with Satan in person to discuss world domination.

~5:00 PM… dinner break, where he eats facts and statistics with economics as his favorite appetizer.

~7:00 PM… eat 6 more babies and brush teeth afterwards.

~9:00 PM… bed.

 

“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.

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