Satire

Trump Devastated At Hurricane Irma’s Mar-A-Lago Damage

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

Today, President Trump visited Palm Beach, Florida to survey the damage caused by Hurricane Irma. Walking through places he had no world class resorts located in, Trump was calm and collected, almost calculated as he scanned for damages. Then, the unthinkable happened…

 

Trump visited his Mar-a-lago southern/winter “white house” resort to find it obliterated by Hurricane Irma. Falling to his knees, he screamed in infinite agony, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

 

The president’s associates asked him to return to his feet for a photo op, but he yelled, “This is all Jose’s fault! We’re gonna build a wall! It’s time for an executive order! We’ll go around those Democrat obstructionists!!!”

 

“But sir–” a secret service agent was interrupted quickly.

 

“But NOTHING!!! If we’d only built that wall on our southern border sooner, servicing the great men and women in border security whose feet I kiss in every rally, THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!” Trump was shouting loudly enough for CNN reporters to hear it.

 

Jim Acosta was on the ground when he heard Trump screaming firsthand, but he couldn’t make out what the president was saying, immediately reporting to the camera, “Trump just got impeached! WE WON!! The Democrats have finally brought this president to his knees! JUSTICE IS SERVED!!! With a side of email servers and Russian salad dressing!”

 

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow was present as well, but she only heard the president screaming the word ‘no’, so she reported non-chalantly, “Well, it looks like Vladimir Putin has released Donald Trump’s tax returns for 2016.”

 

Everyone around Trump kept trying to tell him it was Hurricane Irma instead of Jose, but Trump reiterated, “No. He’s bringing drugs, he’s bringing crime. He’s a rapist. He’s a necrophiliac serial killer. He’s Hitler.” Of course, Trump was speaking about Hurricane Jose.

 

A reporter from Vice News finally made out what the president was saying about Hurricane Jose, asking the president, “Mr. Trump. Do you regret your racist remarks about the hurricane?! You realize words hurt and Hurricane Jose is a Hispanic minority, don’t you!?”

 

“I’m not a racist. Jose is, frankly, barbaric and chopping off people’s heads!” Trump stated firmly.

 

“Sir, that’s ISIS, not Hurricane Jos–” another secret service member was interrupted by the president.

 

“HE’S BRINGING DRUGS. HE’S BRINGING CRIME!!” Trump declared once more, giving a stern glare to the agent as the president’s eyes turned red and shot the agent with lasers.

 

The secret service agent who tried to correct Trump was engulfed in flames immediately, dying a regrettable death within seconds. He had exploded like an Ariana Grande concert.

 

After witnessing the secret service agent’s combustion, all other Trump associates just let him keep screaming obscenities and anti-Hispanic slurs about Hurricane Jose, fearing they, too, might be burned to death by the God Emperor’s red laser eyes.

 

Sighing, one of the reporters thought it wasn’t the real Donald Trump saying this, muttering, “Whose Grandpa is this? Where’d he escape from? Give the man some fucking apple sauce…”

 

“More at eleven, Bob,” said the overly zealous reporter.

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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