Satire

Rioters Have Dietary Deficiencies, Study Shows

WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.

In St Louis, Missouri, peaceful demonstrators continue to make an impact, delivering a positive message of justice and disdain for Jason Stockley’s “not guilty” verdict. However, not all protesters are peaceful; some are rioters. When a protester becomes violent or destructive towards property, that protester becomes a rioter. Psychiatrists, therapists, and social workers have called this RAS (abbreviation for ‘Rioting Asshole Syndrome’).

 

Dr. Herka Derka performed a study at WashU St Louis campus which might change medical science history. According to his study, sufferers of RAS are divided into three groups:

 

1.) The first group of RAS victims has a deficiency of capsaicin in their eyes. Fortunately, this malady can be healed by spraying a liberal quantity of the chemical into the rioters’ eyes. A popular street name for this life-saving chemical is called “pepper spray.”

 

2.) The second group of RAS victims have a severe breathing problem: their C10H5ClN2 gas levels are too low. However, this problem can be cured by tossing a canister of the chemical, also called “CS Gas”, into the middle of a group of rioters. All breathing problems are solved and the rioters always disperse immediately, the poor souls.

 

3.) The third group of RAS victims suffer from a malady called dietary lead deficiency. Luckily, one small injection of lead into the cranium has been shown to cure an individual rioter and cause a positive effect on the whole group.

 

In fact, any time the rioters’ health problems are cured by the three methods listed above, the positive effects include: a sudden stop in rioting for the whole group and a better environment for normal people who don’t cause trouble.

 

Previously, medical scientists, psychiatrists, and social workers had no knowledge of any cures for RAS. Special thanks to Doctor Herka Derka, our medical correspondent, for concocting these cures for the three types of RAS.

 

Police in St Louis have been using these methods on people afflicted with RAS ever since these groundbreaking discoveries came to light. If you or someone you know suffers from RAS, there is hope!

Constructive criticism and opinions are welcome!

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