WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.
In Seattle, Washington, a group of 5 vegans were eating at the nearby pretentious, morally superior restaurant with a comprehensive “vegan food” menu. Everything was going as planned, with each vegan receiving exotic dishes containing no meat or anything else that tastes good. However, things went south quickly.
A normal person walked into the restaurant, weathered from the road. He was an over-the-road trucker just looking for a bite to eat, looking raggedy from the long haul.
“Hey guys,” he approached the vegans with his hardened brow, pulling out a wrapper from his coat pocket, “Do you want a cheeseburger?”
Nearly fainting in unison, the vegans gasped for air as if there was no more oxygen in the room. One of them quirked, “MURDERER!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD OFFER ME DEATH!!!”
“Umm…” the trucker was confused, going on, “All I did was offer you a cheeseburger.”
“I think I’m going to die, guys, like… right now. I will die,” one of the vegans stated before all 5 vegans starting puking onto the restaurant floor in unison.
Confused and taken aback, the trucker stepped backwards, avoiding the mess, looking at the approaching waiter, asking, “Is this how everybody in Seattle acts after they’re offered a cheeseburger?”
Frowning in outrage, the waiter shouted in a deep southern accent, “I think you should go! We don’t take kindly to people with flaws in these parts!!” He pulled out a 12 gauge pump-action shotgun and aimed it at the trucker, “RIGHT NOW! GO, YOU HELL SPAWN!!!”
Almost tripping over a table, the mildly unkempt trucker stated, “I’m sorry, sir! I’ll go! I’m leaving right now!!” He walked backwards all the way to the door, opened it, and then sprinted away.
Strolling to the vegan group, the waiter questioned, “Are you guys okay?”
“No…” one of the vegans threw up onto the floor again, “Please! Call the ambulance!!”
“Yes sir!!!” the waiter yelled, running to the ordering desk of the restaurant to dial 911.
All 5 vegans were transported to the hospital and, one at a time, Dr. Regular Guy heard their horror stories of being offered a cheeseburger. Every medical test in the book was administered to the vegans, but tests revealed all 5 vegans to be in perfect health.
Baffled by the lack of a stomach virus in each vegan, Dr. Regular Guy called in the best Licensed Clinical Social Worker he knew…
“Hello, I’m Johnny Normal and I’m a social worker,” the social worker introduced himself.
Looking up at Johnny Normal, the vegan was in despair, “Please… I need help.”
Pulling out a clipboard, Johnny Normal ordered, “Tell me what happened.”
“I was in Pretentious Douchebag Foods, just eating my meal like always, when suddenly, an evil demon Hitler monster came in and–” the vegan was interrupted.
“Tell me about this evil demon Hitler monster,” Johnny squinted, taking notes on his clipboard.
The vegan grimaced, “He was… wearing regular clothes, like a working class person.” An expression of extreme self-importance etched itself upon the vegan’s face as he continued, “This disgusting pleb offered me a cheeseburger.”
“Okay, so he offered you a cheeseburger…” Johnny was still taking notes, “What next?”
“That’s it! Moral superiority engulfed me as I berated this pathetic peasant for even DARING to make such a reprehensible offer!!!” the vegan described succinctly.
“I see you have a lot of anger towards this man and, to be honest, most of it seems a little irrational,” Johnny said matter-of-factly.
Standing up and grabbing Johnny by his shirt collar, the vegan yelled in his face, “YOU’RE A MONSTER! YOU COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND!!”
Calling for assistance, Johnny shouted, “We need rapid sedation! NOW!”
The hospital’s rapid response team stormed the room, holding the vegan in place as an extreme amount of Ativan mixed with Haldol was injected into him. For about 30 seconds, they held the vegan in place as he attempted escape. Slowly, the vegan’s strength and aggression both waned as the nurses tightened their grips on him. Finally, the vegan was too sedated to fight anymore.
Regaining composure, Johnny Normal ordered, “I am ordering this man for involuntary commission into a psychiatric ward for 96 hours.” The vegan was committed.
Johnny Normal went around to the other 4 vegans, but got the same aggressive response when pointing out that some of their outrage was a bit untoward, so all 5 vegans were committed to the same psychiatric ward…
5 Minutes After being booked into the psychiatric ward…
All members of nursing staff knew who the vegans were. The RNs and LPNs were told, unsolicited, how evil meat eaters were.
24 Hours Later, at the psychiatric ward…
The vegans were all sedated heavily with a combination of benzodiazepines and antipsychotics. One of them was about to see the psychiatrist…
“Hello, I’m Dr. No Bullshit and I’m here to help,” the psychiatrist shook hands with the vegan. After getting a comfortable position in his chair, the doc asked, “So what was it about this cheeseburger that provoked such an extreme reaction?”
Rocking back and forth in his chair with widened eyes, the vegan responded, “It was… something I could never forget… it haunts me in my nightmares every single night… it destroys my soul…”
“You’re speaking in cryptic language. Please be specific. I understand this experience is causing you nightmares and flashbacks, so it was traumatic for you,” Dr. No Bullshit stated, going on to ask, “What about this cheeseburger hurt you?”
The vegan’s withered face filled with impending doom, “It rapes my sensibilities… it tugs at my very being…”
“Okay, let try it this way,” Dr. No Bullshit declared, pulling out a plastic cheeseburger replica, “Show me where on this cheeseburger he touched you.”
“NOOOO!!!” the vegan jumped out of his chair, running to the corner of the room, collapsing onto the ground in unlimited despair, and balled himself up into the fetal position, rocking back and forth again. This time, however, the vegan sucked his right thumb like an infant.
Dr. No Bullshit frowned, surprised by this reaction before putting the fake cheeseburger back into his medical coat pocket. “Okay, the additional medical tests I ordered showed all 5 of you guys had a stroke upon being offered a cheeseburger. It has baffled even the most prominent medical scientists.”
“It was… it was… it was…” the vegan finally stopped sucking his thumb long enough to shout, “IT WAS A BACONATOR!!! FROM WENDY’S!!!”
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Dr. No Bullshit nodded his head a few times, intrigued, before continuing, “Why are Baconators from Wendy’s so bad?”
“Do you KNOW how many REAL LIFE ANIMALS were MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD to produce that ABOMINATION of a SO-CALLED SANDWICH?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!?!?!” the vegan shouted with emphasis on the traumatic parts.
“My guess is three,” Dr. No Bullshit answered concisely.
Gasping for air, the vegan replied, “R… ruh…. ruh… RIGHT!”
“Here. Take this,” Dr. No Bullshit held out his hand and a 2mg Xanax was presented. Grabbing the Xanax and swallowing it hastily, the traumatized vegan professed, “You know… he wasn’t even clean shaven… the man wasn’t perfect… he was one of those… well, you know… deplorables.”
Dr. No Bullshit squinted in mild surprise, responding, “He was flawed. Human beings are like that.”
Widening his eyes, the vegan looked up at the doctor in absolute horror, “They… ARE?!?!”
“Sure,” Dr. No Bullshit walked to the door, turning around to say, “Nobody’s perfect. You believe you’re superior to others, but the longer you maintain that delusion, the more often you’ll be triggered by innocuous events. Sometimes, it takes having a stroke from being offered a cheeseburger by an alleged deplorable to realize that.”
72 Hours Later at the psychiatric ward…
All 5 vegans were in the day room and an RN entered the room, closing all doors and locking them, to make an announcement.
“I have good news for you guys,” the RN said, going on, “It turns out we can’t keep you here any longer, even though we think you should stay.”
“You’re releasing us now? Why?! We’re still traumatized!!!” one of the vegans shouted in unimaginable fear.
“Well, to be quite honest…” the RN paused for a few seconds, “We’re having trouble feeding you with the current food budget. This vegan bullshit is too goddamned expensive for the hospital to keep providing you. Most mentally ill people eat normal food like everybody else. Holy shit, you guys are difficult to feed.”
All 5 vegans were released on that day, back into the world, ready to be triggered once again by a deplorable, rugged peasant who wasn’t perfect.