WARNING: The following article is entirely fictitious and probably includes celebrities or public figures. Content is absolutely vulgar, obscene, and therefore nobody should read it.
Johnny was worn out from being on the road so long. He was almost to Boston, where most of his family was located. Once there, he was going to celebrate Christmas, but driving made him anxious…
Johnny walked into a dive bar in rural West Virginia for a couple of drinks to take the edge off his anxiety. Candidly, he walked to the bar beside another man and ordered two shots of rum. Then, the UNTHINKABLE happened!
“Happy holidays, man,” Johnny said to the man beside him.
“What the fuck’jew say to me?!” the man replied, getting angry.
“I just said Happy Holidays, bro. Chill out,” Johnny responded.
Getting out of his chair, the man picked up his bottle of wine as a weapon, saying, “It’s Merry Christmas, you fucking anti-American faggot!” After that, the man hit Johnny over the head with the wine bottle; the bottled shattered.
Covering his bleeding head, Johnny cried, “Somebody help me!”
Another man in the bar rushed over to Johnny, saying, “You said Happy Holidays, you bitch-made Jew boy, so I ain’t helping you!” The second man picked Johnny up as the first man grabbed Johnny’s legs. They were carrying him.
“YOU GONNA DIE TODAY, BITCH-MADE FAG FUCKER JEW BOY!!!” the first man screamed. By this time, the bartender was readying a cauldron full of boiling water.
The bartender readied the cauldron as Johnny kicked and screamed for help, but nobody came to his aid.
“We gonna teach this anti-American fag punk bitch boy a lesson!” the first man yelled, “Pour the water on this homo and he’ll be singing Merry Christmas carols for days!”
“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Johnny flopped around in excruciating pain after the bartender had poured boiling water on Johnny’s body, “PLEASE STOP!”
“We fightin’ the war on Christmas, cocksucker! GET SOME MORE WATER!!!” the first man screamed at maximum volume.
This ritual continued until finally Johnny began screaming the words “Merry Christmas” and saying, “I’ll never say Happy Holidays again!”
“That’s right, you fucking Jew! Now, go to the hospital for those burns and let others know we’re not fucking around this year! The War On Christmas is serious!”
After fighting for his life for 3 days in a hospital, Johnny died from his burns.
UPDATE: The three assailants weren’t charged with any crimes, but they were given medals of honor for their service in the extremely super real “War On Christmas.”